Is This A . . . Shotgun Column?!

In which Troy brings back a familiar format for fun.

Greetings, my terminally online brethren. For those that don’t know, all the way back in 1998, I launched ShotgunReviews.com, a wide-ranging pop culture site (we covered a wide area, hence the name). With webmaster Shawn Delaney and a motley crew of lunatics, we ran rampant for many years. One of the pillars of the site was my Shotgun Reviews column, in which I basically free-associated on whatever was happening in the news or in the culture. I’m kind of feeling that right now . . .

The State of the Union: I will not spend a single pixel on that. Besides, by the time that this posts, I will have already taken out the garbage for the day.

The U.S. Men’s Hockey Team: Aside from getting dragged online for being, well, dipshits after winning for all the various reasons you can look up on your own, I found it exceedingly hilarious that they got fed lukewarm McDonald’s upon their visit to the White House. That’s Trump’s trademark for visiting sports teams, and it’s something of a metaphor for the stunning cheapness under his fake ostentation.

Google It, FFS: Speaking of looking things up on their own, why do people post general knowledge questions on social media and risk getting dragged for it when they can just fucking Google it? This has gone on for YEARS. And I have to emphasize, go to Google or Wikipedia. I understand lots of Zs and under feed these questions into the fever-swamp of ChatGPT, which is a) not a search engine, and b) rife with more bullshit than the first category in today’s piece. I will never make fun of someone for asking questions, but I will definitely raise my voice about where they’ll get inevitably wrong answers.

Tubi the Slayer: Since I am a font of positivity, it’s good to note that in addition to having an endless line-up of horror bangers, the free streamer Tubi has an insane roster of one of my favorite subgenres: 1980s Sword and Sorcery flicks. First, a heads-up: some pillars of the genre have to be found elsewhere; Conan the Barbarian is a rental on a few services, as is Legend, and The Beastmaster and Dragonslayer can be found on the free streamer Pluto. But when it comes to the rest? Buckle up.

On Tubi: Ladyhawke. Krull. The Sword and the Sorcerer. Deathstalker I and II. The Ator series. Flesh and Blood. The Barbarians. Wizards of the Lost Kingdom. Sorceress. And yes, my favorite of the bunch, motherfucking Hawk the Slayer. I could do essays on everything I love about that movie, from the music to Jack Palance devouring every piece of scenery.

There’s also S&S-adjacent Yor: The Hunter from the Future, which has one of the greatest unintentionally hilarious Italians-singing-in-badly-translated-English theme songs of all time.

Confession: The number of times I realize that I’m imitating The Swedish Chef from The Muppets or Gordon Ramsey while I am cooking alone is frankly embarrassing.

My Least Favorite 80s Band: Loverboy. While they were always the bottom of average (thank you, Sara Beth, for that phrase), they really lost me when Mike Reno made the rounds of every VH-1 and MTV retrospective show in the ‘90s cryassing that Nirvana had killed their career. The fact is that a) their last Top 40 in the U.S. was “Notorious” in 1987, topping out at #38; b) they broke up in 1988; and c) they reunited in 1991, just in time for the alternative explosion and a boom in hip-hop. So I see where he tries to make that connection, but they had been on the wane; of their four singles previous to “Notorious,” the two ballads had cracked the Top 12, but their two rock numbers hovered in the 60s. At that time, when rock bands become ballad bands, they start to lose the male audience. Their last single to hit the Top 100 was 1989’s “Too Hot” at #84; it was a single from the compilation album titled, wait for it, Big Ones. For those keeping track, that album was released in October of 1989, almost a full two years before Nevermind. I understand people are always trying to blame their faults on something. I mean, if you gotta blame it on something . . . blame it on the rain. Yes, that means I prefer Milli Vanilli to Loverboy. Girl, you know it’s true.

In Praise of Monica Rambeau: This is just a tune-up for what will be a longer piece in the future, but I have to re-declare one of my frequent declarations, and that is that Marvel Comics and MCU character Monica Rambeau deserves more respect. After the in-comics death of the original Captain Marvel (the cosmic Kree hero Mar-Vell) in 1982, the mantle of Captain Marvel was bestowed upon new character Monica Rambeau, who happened to be a Black woman. Created by writer Roger Stern and artist John Romita, Jr., she first appeared in The Amazing Spider-Man Annual #16 in October, 1982. From there, she was carried over by Stern into his epic five-year run on The Avengers; Monica joined the team and eventually became the leader for a time. During this period, she was one of four characters featured on the cover (and prominently in the first adventure) of the TSR Marvel Super-Heroes Role-Playing Game, which was wildly popular in the 1980s and into the 1990s. I’ll get into what happened to her at another time, including depowerings, code-name changes, and other bullshit. If you’re not a comics fan, but the name sounds familiar, that’s because young Monica (played by Akira Akbar) made her Marvel Cinematic Universe debut in 2019’s Captain Marvel (yes, I’ll explain why Carol was Captain Marvel later, too), got her powers as an adult in 2021’s WandaVision (played now by Teyonah Parris), and figured prominently in 2023’s The Marvels, the post-credits scene which ties into this year’s Avengers: Doomsday. At least some ridiculously awesome writer made sure she was on pages 100 and 101 of Marvel Comics for Dummies.

That’s it for now, kids. Have a safe weekend.

Troy Brownfield is . . . was. . . the Editor-in-Chief of ShotgunReviews.com. He wants you to remember that nostalgia is fine as long as you live in the present.