THE FORBIDDEN TOP TEN

This one’s a little bit of a button pusher. Yes, I said that. I’ve sort of jokingly made reference to doing a list like this for years, even alluding to the fact that this is one Top Ten List that The Saturday Evening Post would never let me write (and they have let me write some crazy shit). But when I think of this topic, it’s less about salacious and more about media literacy, ESPECIALLY with my number one. Feel free to offer your own choices, but remember: I’m not wrong and I didn’t forget anything, because this is MY list. Here we go.

TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT ORGASMS

10. The Lemon Song – Led Zeppelin

Led Zeppelin were many things, but subtle wasn’t usually it. Based on lyrics by Chester Burnett (better known as Howin’ Wolf) codified in “The Killing Floor,” “The Lemon Song” is all about the endpoint. Consider: “Squeeze me, babe, ‘till the juice runs down my leg/Do, squeeze, squeeze me, baby, until the juice runs down my leg/The way you squeeze my lemon-a/I’m gonna fall right outta bed, ‘ed, ‘ed, bed, yeah” and, of course, “I’m gonna leave my children down on this killing floor.” Did you think it was about citrus genocide?

9. Sweetener – Ariana Grande

The most recent entry on the list, Ariana Grande’s ode to The Big O is maybe less subtle than Zeppelin’s. When Ari sings “Hit it,” “Flip it,” “Twist it,” “Kiss it,” and sums it up with “You make me say “Oh,”” what do you think is happening? Making pancakes? A very weird version of Bop-It?

8. Feel It – Kate Bush

All hail the gloriousness of Kate Bush. The youngs may have been introduced to her via Stranger Things, which is a good thing, but she’s been killing it since the late 70s and “Wuthering Heights.” Kate’s pretty direct in this one, with her stockings hitting the floor in the third line. And just to be clear, “So keep on a-moving in, keep on a-tuning in/Synchronize rhythm now” are not musical cues for her bassist.

7. She-Bop – Cyndi Lauper

Do I even need to go into this one? Granted, it’s truly an ode to self-fulfillment, but the endpoint is still the same. Tune in for the second verse before the chorus: “Do I wanna go out with a lion’s roar?/ Yeah, I wanna go south and get me some more/ Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine/ They say I better stop or I’ll go blind.”

6. Cream – Prince & The New Power Generation

Finding little death ditties in the Prince catalog is like shooting fish in a barrel, but I think “Cream” is just astoundingly obvious. Seriously. Just listen.

5. I Touch Myself – Divinyls

I mean, come on. Christina Amphlett sounds like she’s actually going for it at around the 2:38 mark.

4. Love to Love You Baby – Donna Summer

In the 1970s, Donna Summer was the High Priestess of gettin’ it. “Love to Love You Baby” is her multiple meanings high point. Like Prince, her discography is full of entendre; you could easily list “I Feel Love.”

3. I Feel Love – Donna Summer

So I did. These two have the sound and that seals the deal.

2. Don’t Leave Me This Way – Thelma Houston

Yes, the song is a cover, but it’s the disco classic version by Thelma Houston that elevates it in the climax continuum. Many, MANY people read it as the narrator (Houston) being left, as in dumped or abandoned. And this class, is why we listen closely. The chorus, if you please?

“Baby, my heart is full of love and desire for you
Now come on down and do what you got to do
You started this fire down in my soul
Now can’t you see it’s burning out of control?
Come on, satisfy the need in me
‘Cause only your good loving can set me free”

Bolds for the innuendo impaired.

BONUS ENTRY: Rocket Queen – Guns ‘N’ Roses

Here because it features an actual orgasm on the song, which is a high point in the GNR catalog regardless.

And #1?

1. Son of a Preacher Man – Dusty Springfield

Undoubtedly one of the most misunderstood songs in popular music, this classic, like the act itself, is all about THE BUILD-UP. Everything about the first verse is about Billy Ray and the narrator (Dusty) sneaking away while the adults are talking. Into the chorus, “the only boy who could ever reach me” does not mean reach in a psychological sense, but, well, you read this installment’s title. In the second first, it directly references getting “away again tonight,” which is blindingly obviously referring to her and Billy Ray sneaking out for sex.

As we approach the bridge, the music itself is getting progressively louder, adding more instrumentation (like more prominent horns). This is building because it’s building. The bridge starts to soar into the (no pun intended) climactic point of the song. The last two lines of the bridge are the exceedingly subtle “Learnin’ from each other’s knowin’/Lookin’ to see how much we’ve grown” before we hit the third chorus, which is a glorious explosion that adds a full backing choir. Our narrator has been reached! The song retains some of the intensity after that, but eventually, appropriately, tapers off into a fade out.

So there we go, kids. The Top Ten List you never knew you wanted, and it comes with a very special playlist. Enjoy your weekend!